The Pentagon Just Rebranded Chernobyl as “AI-Ready”
Brought to You by Uranium, Bureaucracy, and Zero Shame
UNCLASSIFIED// FOR OFFICIAL MOCKERY ONLY (FOMO)
SUBJECT// THREE MILE ISLAND RISES AGAIN: SAVING THE PLANET, ONE GPU-COOKED CLIMATE HYPOCRISY AT A TIME
NARRATIVE/
While I’m over here using AI to write meme manifestos, compose war ballads about printer jams, and 3D-print a disturbingly lifelike action figure of myself… Microsoft is reportedly eyeing Three Mile Island.
Yes, that Three Mile Island. The one that glows in documentaries and triggers more nervous laughter than a Pentagon press conference on “rapid acquisition.”
This story showed up heavily in the news back in September 2024, but the climate alarmists must be busy throwing Molotov cocktails at Teslas because they have been uncharacteristically silent.
For those of you under the age of AARP membership, Three Mile Island is the site of the most infamous nuclear mishap in U.S. history.
Microsoft is planning to bring it back online to power its next-gen AI compute center.
Turns out AI isn’t just energy-hungry; it’s insatiable. I haven’t seen a power surge this obscene since Pvt. Snuffy plugged in a Keurig next to the SINCGARS rack and blacked out half the FOB. And when it comes to powering the future of artificial intelligence, it’s bye-bye carbon neutrality, hello uranium pellets.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are being told to embrace 18th-century windmills and ride bicycles to save the planet.
So just to recap:
Nuclear = too scary and dangerous for our homes
Nuclear = perfect for AI to generate cat videos and dream up "AI girlfriends"
You = install solar panels, sweat through the summer, and feel guilty about flying economy
AI = restarts a dormant nuclear plant and gets its own personal reactor core
But back at your barracks AC gets inspected like it’s a classified weapons system. Because heaven forbid a junior enlisted soldier gets comfortable in July.
It’s all making sense now, right?
Of course, this shift to nuclear power for AI comes after years…YEARS…. of being browbeaten into guilt over every plastic straw and half-full trash bin. Who could forget being shamed by a 15-year-old climate activist on the world stage, her voice trembling with eco-rage like a Norse goddess scolding a Viking warband for using plastic forks:
“How dare you!”
Honestly, I'm still recovering from that look. I’ve recycled religiously ever since out of sheer emotional trauma.
Which, to be fair, was still less intense than a first sergeant chewing out a private for saluting indoors. That kid still flinches every time he hears Velcro.
But fast forward a few years and…surprise!....even she seems to be warming up to nuclear energy now. (Don’t worry, no apology is necessary. We’re all just supposed to nod and act like this was the plan all along.) Doesn’t matter, she’s already off on another crusade. Maybe to save tigers or pygmies or pygmy tigers. Who knows but I am sure she’s suffering by doing it on a fabulous multi-million dollar yacht.
And just to really spice things up, let’s remember that every major defense contract now comes with its own ESG performance metric because nothing screams environmental stewardship like flying a C-17 to a climate summit so someone can PowerPoint their way to a Net Zero participation ribbon.
We’ve got a Pentagon that still can’t figure out how to retire Windows XP, but rest assured, your taxpayer-funded AI is now helping bureaucrats calculate carbon offsets for Palantir Maven dots on a map. Meanwhile, every major base is installing “green roofs” while the plumbing system still thinks it's 1968 and belches lead like it's trying to join a heavy metal band.
We’ve reached the point where contractors are getting performance bonuses for planting succulents in break rooms while the actual battlefield still runs on burn pits and Red Bull. There's a working group right now debating whether 155mm shells can be "ethically sourced." Spoiler: they can't.
Hell, I once got a direct order to replace all the fluorescent bulbs in the comms tent with eco-friendly LEDs to “reduce our tactical carbon footprint,” they said, like Al Gore was going to drop in for a surprise inspection. Never mind that the tent was powered by three diesel generators and sat downwind from a burn pile that looked like Mordor.
The punchline? The new LEDs caused some weird flicker that scrambled the crypto gear. We had to go back to flashlights and handwritten logs. We went green for exactly 36 hours... right until the mission mattered.
That’s the modern military for you: sustainability until it delays lunch.
Wait a minute… Al Gore gave us the internet, the internet birthed AI, and now AI wants to fire up a nuclear reactor. So by that logic, Al Gore is basically Oppenheimer with a TED Talk about soggy spaghetti straws.
What the hell kind of butterfly effect is this?
Yet here we are, in 2025, revving up nuclear reactors to feed GPUs so they can crank out meme templates, draft DOGE bullets, and write emails we’re too lazy to draft ourselves.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of innovation. I believe AI can do incredible things. But the climate policy contradictions are starting to glow brighter than a Geiger counter at Reactor #2.
We were promised a sustainable, carbon-neutral future powered by wind and sun. But when it comes to feeding the AI beast? It’s “green energy for thee, uranium for me.”
Somewhere Oppenheimer is looking down (or maybe sideways?) watching the same species that split the atom to end a world war, now split the grid to generate anime fan art at scale. From “I am become Death” to “I am become vaguely intrigued by my AI-generated girlfriend.” Yes, I know she loves me.
Our technological arc started with unlocking the power of the universe… and ends with GPT explaining how to season chicken thighs. At this rate, the next Manhattan Project will be an AI-generated influencer that uses depleted uranium to optimize TikTok algorithms.
But hey, at least the videos will be in 4K and carbon neutral... unless your phone charger counts as a war crime.
Honestly, why stop here? Let’s just have Midjourney design our energy policy. Give it the prompt:
“A sustainable future but make it epic. Featuring glowing cores, futuristic skyscrapers, and a heroic AI mascot in spandex holding a windmill.”
Boom. Energy crisis solved, mood board delivered, and the vibes? Impeccable.
It's time our climate policies stopped LARPing as SimCity and started facing the physics of the real world where power comes from something more substantial than vibes and solar subsidies.
Right now we’re stuck choosing between saving the planet or watching a deepfake raccoon lip-sync Taylor Swift. We all know which is winning.
We must have a hard conversation about energy that doesn’t involve medieval windmills and magical thinking. Maybe nuclear power isn’t the villain we made it out to be.
Until then, I’ll be over here asking my AI assistant to render a heroic version of me fist-fighting carbon emissions while riding a radioactive polar bear. Shirtless. Yes, me and the polar bear.
“Just remember, troops: If AI gets a private reactor and you’re still begging for hot water and a working AC in July, you’re not witnessing progress, you’re starring in a high-budget farce powered by uranium and unaccountability.” – Sgt. Jax, chewing on a spaghetti straw.
#EnergyPolicy #AI #NuclearPower #ClimateChange #Sustainability #IronyPowered #ThreeMileIsland #Microsoft #HowDareYou #GreenHypocrisy #TechSatire #GreenTech