Cybersecurity à la Mode: A Strategy Served with Frosting and Sprinkles
Because nothing says deterrence like dessert.
UNCLASSIFIED// FOR OFFICIAL MOCKERY ONLY (FOMO)
SUBJECT// LET THEM EAT CYBER CAKE
NARRATIVE/
~“Secure the revolution... but make it a vibe…with AI cherries”~
If you’re wondering whether the Digital Ancien Régime is alive and well, look no further than the latest communiqué from the court of Cyber Versailles aka the Department of the Air Force CIO.
Behold: The Cyber Cake.
Not a doctrine. Not a TTP. Not a framework or field manual.
A. Cyber. Cake.
I wish I were kidding, I’m not… no, seriously, I’m not kidding. (link)
Guerrilla Memo proudly presents, the DAF CIO’s Epicurious Cake Cover:
In the grand tradition of lavish distractions during institutional collapse, the DoD has baked up a frosted infographic to explain how we’ll “move, secure, and defend data” with all the clarity of a guillotine-wielding mime. It’s like Clausewitz met the Great British Bake Off and decided that the best way to deter adversaries was with fondant.
And no, this is not a spoof. This is taxpayer-funded patisserie-as-policy.
VIVE LA VISUALIZATION!
Remember, in Revolutionary France the royals handed out cake while the people starved. In Revolutionary DoD, leadership hands out digital dessert while the enterprise starves for interoperability, zero trust, and an actual ATO.
The DAF Cyber Cake declares with all the pomp of a Parisian parade that we must “Assure Cyber Survivability,” “Deliver Cyber Capabilities,” and “Empower Cyber Airmen.” Not bad ideas; solid concepts, even. But instead of building scalable, interoperable systems that do these things… we got a five-layer Funfetti cake.
With frosting. Oh, and SSDF sprinkles. And AI/ML cherries resting atop fluffy CUI whipped cream. Mmmm-mmm, sounds scrumptious!
The color palette? Revolutionary. The content? Pre-Bastille bureaucracy.
This isn’t a strategy. It’s Versailles on SharePoint.
THE GREAT FRUIT CARVING REBRAND
Let’s be clear: this isn’t new. The idea of “defense in depth” is older than the DoD. It's been etched into every military doctrine since soldiers first figured out that walls work better in layers. From Hadrian’s Wall to Cold War IADS, the concept of layered defense has never been revolutionary. It’s been foundational.
And in cyber? We've been layering since the Orange Book. We’ve run concentric rings of access control, firewalls, enclave segmentation, dual-factor auth, and enclave whitelisting since AOL was still mailing out CDs. We've had frameworks, models, pillars, and principles.
But now… cake.
Apparently, we've pivoted from the DoD Information Assurance Strategy to the Art of Culinary Creativity Fruit Carving Handbook. It’s as if someone took a decades-old doctrine, ran it through a Pinterest board, and unveiled it to thunderous applause.
And the sycophants love it. LinkedIn comment sections are lighting up like Bastille Day fireworks:
“Groundbreaking!”
“Finally, a framework we can visualize!”
“Looks delicious and secure!”
I have to ask you: does cake project the image of strength? Of cybersecurity dominance? Of warfighting resilience?
Or does it scream, “Please like and subscribe to our newsletter. Also, we baked this.”
We are one tactical baking challenge away from calling our next Operation: Rainbow Freedom Cupcakes.
THE COURTIERS OF CYBER ENLIGHTENMENT
You see, in the halls of Air Staff, there are digital courtiers whose sole job is to swirl fonts, adjust color gradients, and rephrase “cyber hygiene” into twelve-word mission statements. These are not operators. These are the Marie Antoinettes of modernization. They do not deploy to the front lines of cyberspace; they sip metaphorical champagne at industry days and clap for pre-approved innovation theater.
While cyber-NCOs in the field are duct-taping solutions to legacy systems and wondering why the SIPR share drive is still down, HQ is churning out layer cakes of optimism, sprinkled with acronyms and wrapped in PDF.
"Just trust the layers," they say. "The cake has a plan."
Sure it does. So did the Maginot Line.
BASTILLE DAY, BUT FOR DATA
We need cyber capability. We need secure infrastructure. But what we do not need is a Marie Antoinette cosplay event masquerading as doctrine. Because the real problem isn’t the message, it’s the masquerade.
These aren’t cakes. They’re confections of confusion.
The Cyber Cake reads like the result of ChatGPT and Canva being locked in a SCIF overnight with a bottle of cheap Merlot and a vague understanding of network segmentation.
Meanwhile, real reformers, the Robespierre’s of the readiness revolution, are asking dangerous questions like:
“Why does every cyber tool require a different login and never integrate?”
“Why does a patch cycle take three weeks and a waiver take three months?”
“Why do we have 17 zero trust pilots but zero enterprise implementation?”
Silence, peasants! Let them eat CJADC2!
A REVOLUTION IN FONDANT
Back in the barracks, when Sgt. Jax hears “Empower Cyber Airmen,” he imagines funding, training, and real operational tools. What they get instead is… awareness campaigns. Strategic guidance posters. And yes, layer-based dessert metaphors for cross-domain access.
This is the kind of “transformation” that replaces a rusty cannon with a plastic 3D-printed musket and calls it innovation. It’s all sizzle, no SATCOM. The cyber nobles are parading their pastries while the warfighter is still using Windows 10 and hoping MSTeams won’t crash during a VTC with PACAF.
Cyber as a domain deserves gravitas. Not graphics. It needs a roadmap, not a recipe.
THE FROSTING FALLACY
If a picture is worth a thousand words, a cake must be worth a thousand staff hours. It comes with a 34-page manual because nothing says ‘easy to digest’ like baking instructions disguised as cybersecurity doctrine. But the layers do raise a fascinating question:
What happens when every cyber strategy is turned into an episode on the Food Network?
Zero Trust becomes “The Zesty Ziggurat.”
JADC2 is now “The Joint Jam Torte.”
ABMS gets rebranded as “Airborne Buttercream Mission System.”
Soon we’ll be at DEF CON (hacking conference, not readiness state, unless this causes a HAZCON in the latrine) handing out cupcakes labeled “CMMC Phase 3” while adversaries serve up ransomware like hors d’oeuvres during a hostile takeover.
This is not cyber strategy. This is a catering contract.
THE CLOSING SLICE
I’ll leave you with this and IYKYK: “I was told there would be cybersecurity. I just... See, the cake... There's lots of cake, but there's... The ratio of security to cake is...”
Cyber is not a vibe. It is not a design sprint. It is not a graphic design challenge to be won on Figma.
Cyber is terrain. It’s warfighting space. It’s how we connect kill chains, defend forward, and ensure our forces don’t get digitally decapitated before boots hit the ground.
If your strategy can't survive without a cake metaphor, maybe it’s time to rewrite the strategy, not commission new frosting.
Because in the end, when the digital Bastille falls and the real revolution begins, the cake won’t save you.
But it might make a nice addition to the office pot luck.
— Sgt. Jax, Out.
Join the rebellion. Burn the PDFs. Bring your own damn fork.